A Many Nights...

*sigh*

A many nights I've been crying in my sleep.. I can easily say it's because of me leaving for Australia these couple of weeks more... What am I saying? Aren't I happy to be going there? Isn't this what I wanted since who knows when? Well I am human with feelings. Whoever that'll be leaving their family would be crying. Even if it's just a drop gathering at the corner of their eyes. People might ask haven't I been through this before? Well, yes. I have. But this is different. We're talking about thousands of miles apart. Well that's not a problem they would say. We're living in a world of technologies. We got telephones, e-mail and even videocalls.. Yes, I would answer. But that is totally different. It's what people say. You're so near, yet, so far.

At some times my emotions are rather neutral. But at other times sadness would consume me for no reason and I would cry my eyes out in my bedroom. In broad daylight. Even if I was just sitting reading newspaper with my mom. I would look at her and my eyes would tear up. Or watching tv with my dad. The memories of cheering Man U winning and teasing him because Chelsea lost made me quiet and I would run to the bathroom crying. It's just 2 1/2 years! I'd say cheering myself up. And I could come home during the summer break. That said after crying my eyeballs out. Sheesh.. I guess that's what been keeping me neutral. Reassuring myself everytime I feel sad. Damn, I'm missing my family before even going! What the hell...

Well, missing my parents is one thing though. We've recently got a new addition to the family. No, my mom did not have a baby. My older sister. Well, not really recently. My niece. She's almost 6 month and I have to say she's the cutest baby I've ever seen! That kid is worth missing. And I've been bothered by how she's going to forget me even if I came back after a year. And she'd be like 1 1/2 year. I could imagine how she would shy away from me. That would totally break my heart. But then again, she's only 6 month. Remembering me is quite impossible at that age and yes, any 1 1/2 years old kid would shy away from someone they don't remember. So that being said, yet again I am reassured and have no other excuses for me to cry my nose off thinking about it. But then again... *sigh*

I came to regretting applying for my scholarship. I would think, usually while I was drowning myself in tears, why, oh why did I apply for it in the first place? Wouldn't it be easier if I just stayed at UPSI and continued my studies there? I have my families, my friends and my grades we not that bad either.. *cough*2 times dean*cough* Why would I give up all that? Who knows what'll happen in Australia. We're talking about studying in nothing but English. And since my studies is more to presenting and conveying ideas to clients I'd say I'll do excellent. Yes excellent with a tone of sarcasm people. And westerners, from what I heard, are more to 'Go find your own notes. I'm just your councelor' type. As of here, in Malaysia, we are spoon fed everytime by our lecturerers. Yes, we're lucky. Then again, people (who are these people?) would say isn't that good? You can actually improve your English, which have plumaged so bad, and you can also learn more about the cultures there. And don't let me start on the independent and maturing shinanigan. *sigh* Yes, those people does have a point. Dang-it! *snaps finger*

So after arguing with myself I'd have to say, OK this is going to bring more good to me. I've already taken the first few steps towards my dream. There's no way I'm going to let anything stop me. So I miss my family. So does everyone else there. One thing for sure I'm not alone. And it's just 2 1/2 years. Time will fly and before I know it it'll be my final year. If I can manage passing every semester that is. So work hard then. A lot of people are counting on me. Family, friends and even my country. (Is this patriotism I'm sensing?) Missing them means I love them and and I'd rather die than seeing them dissapointed.


Tears of sadness might accompany me at the beginning but let tears of happiness accompany me back in the end.


InsyaAllah....

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Oh, and I'm going to cry at the airport anyway so shut up.